Rogues of Clwyd-Rhan

  Dramatis Personae

Bonfire

Bonfire is one of the two thieves who re-re-re-re-stole the Grand Whopper of Carbunk.
The Great Whopper of Carbunk hasn't been kept in Carbunk for hundreds of years. Back in the days of the various elven species and clans fighting one another, the Whopper, a huge diamond in a shape that the inhabitants of Carbunk found amusingly suggestive, was stolen from the High Elven town of Carbunk by the Gnomes of the Plains. They lost it to the Gnomes of the Bog, who lost it to the High Elves of Wodeskog. From the High Elves of Wodeskog it was stolen by the faeries of Wodeskog, who didn't see anything amusing about the shape but knew an opportunity to annoy the High Elves when they saw one. From Wodeskog it was taken by a pack of wild Lutins after a raid. The Lutins traded it to C.M.I.I. Daoibleagh for a jar of his Special Spicy Spices, but before they could ask for it back, the Gnomes of the Bog managed to steal it back from mr. Daoibleagh. They then lost it to the Elves of the Earth. The Elves of the Earth had it stolen from them by a mixed-species party of urban drunks in the very early days of the Gnomian Republic, who succesfully fended off an attempt by a passing raven to carry it off but had the misfortune to cross the path of the Republic's most notorious thieves.
The Great Whopper is the subject of many many jokes which the faeries don't understand and the High Elves quite sensibly refuse to allow to be written down anywhere.

Bio

After stealing the Whopper from the Elves of the Earth, Bonfire and Clydesdale hired a bard to write up their exploits. When the bard's favorite silver fife disappeared, he wrote a nasty satirical song about them, which starts like this:

Hey Mr. Bonfire, I'm gonna kick your head. I'll pound you in the noggin 'till you wish that you were dead. I'll skin your hide and tan it for a medical display Except those big old ears of you, for these I'll throw away.

Hey, lady Clydesdale, you fat and stupid cow.
I'll put you in a grinder, and feed you to the sows...

and goes on for another thirty verses, each more imaginative and gruesome than the last. It was a minor hit for the bard.

At their trial for Theft of a Musical Instrument from a Musician, Bonfire and Clydesdale escaped the customary sentence of being slowly roasted to death by plea-bargaining; they accepted ten years in jail for a number of trivial thefts in exchange for the charge of Musical Instrument theft being dropped. This also meant that they didn't have to give up the fife itself, although their home at the time was searched several times in case it accidentally turned up there. They did not have it on their persons during their trial, and it also wasn't found when they were brought back to the Dyrtforrabyggern to start doing their time, so the fact that they have it now must have something to do with being in the company of a faerie who enjoys smuggling.
Bonfire currently resides in the Gnomian Capital's jail for an unrelated offense.

Posted by rocr at February 1, 2005 09:08 PM